Postpartum Identity Loss: Strategies for How to Feel Like You Again

We want to focus on you. How are you?

It is common for women to feel like they have lost themselves when the postpartum journey begins, but that doesn’t mean you have to suffer through.

If you feel like you have lost your sense of self and the person you used to be this blog post is for you. Grieving the end of your old life and celebrating, enjoying, or embracing your new life is not mutually exclusive, both can happen at the same time and both are valid. It is important to remember that you are a fully rounded person and you will be again, this will not last forever. Jennah (mom to a 7 month old) said that for a while she felt like if she could go back in time to before having her baby she would. It took Jennah a while before she made a connection to her baby and motherhood. She found it hard to make space for her baby in her life. Jennah is still a good mom even during the time where she didn’t feel a connection to her baby. You are a good mom even if you feel sad when thinking of your old life vs. your new life.

Postpartum is the start of your journey into motherhood, which never truly ends and that can feel just as overwhelming as it is exciting.

The start of your postpartum journey can often feel overwhelming and like nothing will ever be the same again. Life is a collection of chapters! Your life is changing because you are evolving. Did you know that your transition into motherhood has a name? It’s called Matrescence. 

As Alexandra Sacks says in her TedTalk ,think of it like adolescence because it is similar in the sense that it is one of the biggest changes in our bodies that affect every area of our lives yet people are still expected to act a certain way while it’s happening. Adolescents are expected to act like adults all of the sudden and new mothers are supposed to act like ‘supermoms’ who somehow automatically found the perfect work life balance and still find time to cook and clean and support her partner. This is unrealistic for both parties. Moms have said that they didn’t know what music they like anymore, what hobbies they used to find joy in, what food they like, what their favorite color is, etc. A mom in a local support group said that she is struggling to find her purpose in life aside from being a mother. Finding yourself again is a process.

Matrescence is a process and it can be scary but you are not alone. We have some strategies you can use to start feeling like you again. 

Strategies:

  • The most important: Try to avoid comparing yourself to yourself, give yourself grace. This is completely new to you and it will take time to adjust.

  • Let yourself grieve your old life. You are a good mom! Feeling sad about losing your independence does not change that, it means you’re human.

  • Check your expectations of postpartum and motherhood. Try not to have unrealistic expectations of your new life. We all have these perfect expectations but life isn’t perfect. Having unrealistic expectations can lead to you comparing yourself to yourself or others. This is often perpetuated by social media so remember that social media is not a real depiction of people’s lives.

“Keep your internal dialogue similar to what you would say to a struggling friend.”-Mandy Waysman

  • Create a list of hobbies. Things you and your partner used to enjoy doing before you became parents and choose one thing that you think will be the most realistic to achieve. Create a timeline. The timeline shouldn’t feel daunting- it is there for accountability not judgment.

  • Make a plan. Sit down with yourself and your partner and write down how you can reach realistic small goals together for feeling like yourselves again. You can even do this before baby arrives.

  • Get in touch with other moms. A sense of community is always helpful but especially during a vulnerable time. Other moms understand what you’re feeling and you can help each other. You can do this by joining a Facebook group, going to mom and baby support groups, parenting classes, through your church if you’re religious, etc.

  • Prioritize yourself. When baby is napping, instead of doing household chores, do something for yourself that will make you happy. This can be a great time to start making little strides towards hobbies. This is not selfish!

  • Write in a journal. Write down your feelings and experiences, you are the only one who will read it so you can let everything out.

  • Self-care. This goes along with prioritizing yourself, you can't give all of yourself to another person without sustaining yourself. Fill your cup so you can fill your baby’s cup too. This goes past just taking a shower or picking up the house- this means engaging in those hobbies you wrote about. Get yourself a little treat- a new item of clothing, a food you love and haven’t had in a while, a candy bar, jewelry. You don’t need to break the bank but doing these things helps you feel like you again. You can watch this short TedTalk about the importance of self-care for moms and primary parents.

  • Ask for help. Ask your family members/ friends/ mental health professionals/ trusted doctors for help. No one will blame you or think less of you if you ask for help, in fact most people want to help you.

  • Invest in your wellbeing. We offer overnight doula support to postpartum mothers/families. Sleep is so important during postpartum not only does your body need it to recover but your brain needs it too. Overnights are a great resource you can use so that you and your partner can get some much needed sleep while you have the peace of mind knowing your baby is safe.

  • Think about positive changes. It can help some people to focus on all the new experiences you get to have now as a parent instead of focusing on your life before baby. Find a mindset that works best for you, if focusing on the good isn’t helpful that is okay.

  • Call people. Being able to have adult conversations is a cherished thing people can take for granted before they’re parents. While baby is napping or nursing, chat on the phone with someone you can feel like an adult with. 

“When you allow yourself to have an identity outside of just ‘mom’, you’re also giving room for your child to develop their own identity, too.” -Marissa Bader

Kirsten Meucci mom of a 4 month old said that she has made creative outlets for herself in order to express herself. She made a lot of body care products like sugar scrubs and even lotion made from breastmilk. She is creating monthly photo updates on her son and said that she pushes herself to make them really artful because it brings her joy.

 

Everyone is different. This feeling of lost identity can last up to 6 months postpartum or a couple years postpartum. However long it lasts, just know that you are a good mom and a fully rounded person. There are so many other amazing things about you along with being a mother; you are an athlete, you are a scholar, you are a daughter, you are a professional, you are an art lover, you are a loving partner, you are a good friend.

“Break the generational pattern of forgetting about mom’s wellbeing now!”

-Marissa Bader


Resources (I encourage you to look through these!)

Allison RollansComment